That does it, I'm not getting any older

OK, so this was my wakeup call:
1. I go to the beach with friends in their thirties at age 60. I was going to meet a guy who approached me on match.com this week but the beach offer is too good to refuse. The match guy wants to teach me ball room dancing. I am widowed but I start imaging a future in dance for me and a new love.
2. I asked the doctor for something to help me lose weight before I went and she told me to chew sugarless gum.
3. I get to the beach. I'm limping with arthritis but that's nothing new and I'm sure it will improve when I lose weight so I chew sugarless gum, making a cap on a tooth in the front of my mouth come out, leaving me looking rather haggard.
4. The young folks go into the ocean on boogie boards or body surf.
5. Hey, I remember body surfing and surfboarding at Virginia Beach when in high school, in my tiny bikini, and I want to be young again so I throw myself in front of a wave and---excruciating pain in my leg.
6. I spend a day in the emergency room at the hospital. "Advanced arthritis" is the verdict. But that doesn't explain the lumps. I can't walk. What in the hell is this? This is not supposed to happen so young.
7. My friends say that with my peg leg and missing tooth, I need a pirate hat with dredlocks and an eye patch.
8. I go to the orthopedic surgeon. I don't yet know whether I need surgery but the doctor is hot. I'll take another cortisone shot, please.
9. I tell him I am not ready to get old so I want physical therapy, and I will take yoga and lose weight. I remember my yoga classes when I was in my 20s and how a teacher in her 50s told me yoga cured her of arthritis. I am giving up mixed drinks and substituting glucosamine and chondritin.
10. I am going to keep a progress report on my efforts to grow younger on this site.